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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/27901621">Star Wind Flower Sun</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/unassuming/pseuds/unassuming'>unassuming</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Mamamoo</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Alternate Universe, Angst, F/F, Falling In Love, Fluff, OT4, and less of a direct timeline, kind of the mamamoo universe with a few more elements</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-12-05</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-12-05</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-10 17:47:49</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>15,984</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/27901621</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/unassuming/pseuds/unassuming</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>The first time Yongsun fell in love-<br/>The first time Byulyi fell in love-<br/>The first time Wheein fell in love-<br/>The first time Hyejin fell in love-</p><p> </p><p>Or a story told in parts about our favorite OT4. Plus au where the words people think of you appear on your skin.<br/>This focuses on all the ships at least twice, once from either perspective.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Ahn Hyejin | Hwasa/Jung Wheein, Ahn Hyejin | Hwasa/Kim Yongsun | Solar, Ahn Hyejin | Hwasa/Moon Byulyi | Moonbyul, Jung Wheein/Kim Yongsun | Solar, Jung Wheein/Moon Byulyi | Moonbyul, Kim Yongsun | Solar/Moon Byulyi | Moonbyul</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>18</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>65</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Star Wind Flower Sun</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>So the setup of this story takes us through all four of the members in the descending age order and the moment they fell in love with another member. All parts will be labeled with the pairings but I personally enjoy reading long oneshots so I’ve made this just one long fic instead of small multichapters. </p><p>I’m kind of assuming they’re all in love with each other but it’s more a group friendship with individual relationships (aka no, they are not having orgies)</p><p>This jumps frequently around the timeline so I’d advise reading this as many small moments all combined in one long one-shot.</p><p>a few not so nice things in here such as bullying-type comments and the word d*ke makes an appearance. </p><p>As always comments are appreciated; I do frequently respond to them</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Nobody knows when the markings started showing up. Legend has it that there was a girl and a boy (because there always is). She had feelings for him and he rejected her rather cruelly. The next day he saw her at school with black ink adorning her arm, sharp and crude just like his thoughts. “Who would ever want to be with someone so annoying?” It was a recurring thought, something so ingrained in his mind that he made it appear on her body. They say that if you think about someone that much, they’ll be able to tell. Not just because your thoughts appear on their skin, but because when you see the effect you’ve had, you won’t be able to hide your true feelings.</p><p> </p><p>It is a world the people have always known. Some choose to cover their markings with makeup or long sleeves. Others bear their marks proudly.</p><p> </p><p>Would you look beautiful? If the thoughts people had of you appeared on your skin, would you be able to live with yourself?</p><p> </p><p>
  <strong>part i: Yongsun and Byulyi and stolen kisses at two in the morning</strong>
</p><p> </p><p>She’s stressed and it’s mostly because she doesn’t know how to do this.</p><p> </p><p>Yongsun has never been the leader type. Sure, she’s energetic and organized, which are two pretty good qualities in a leader (she assumes), but she’s strict and believes there is a certain way things should be done. Though typically this isn't a problem for Yongsun because usually she only has to worry about herself.</p><p> </p><p>Now, however, she’s in charge of three other girls, all her junior, and she doesn’t know what to do. Yongsun never thought she could reach this level of exhaustion or fatigue but somehow she has managed it. Her eyelids feel like they have five-pound weights on them and her body like it is drifting through molasses. There is a slight shake to her fingers but she assumes no one has noticed it, hopes no one has noticed it. She is the leader, she must be strong.</p><p> </p><p>And yet, she gazes down at her thighs at night, the black ink of the words makes her tremble.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>Isn’t she too old to be an idol?</em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>Her singing is the only reason she’ll be able to debut but the other members of the group will weigh her down.</em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>I wish I looked like her.</em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>She’s too loud, too uptight.</em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>I wonder if she’ll ever notice me.</em>
</p><p> </p><p>Those last words trace up the side of her left calf. All of the words are particularly small, as if they were all thought frequently, but lack the emotion necessary to invade more of her skin. Yongsun wonders who wants her attention, wonders why anyone would really. All she’s trying to do is get through their debut. This is her dream, and she can make it work if she just keeps pushing. A little more, a few more minutes. She traces these words frequently, with just the tip of her finger.</p><p> </p><p>Yongsun’s alarm clock reads four in the morning. She’s been having more trouble sleeping lately but it doesn’t phase her. Their CEO informs them that they will be having many late nights or early mornings so she might as well get used to it. Yongsun’s room is stuffy from the poor air circulation and the summer heat. It’s never been easy to sleep in her shitty apartment room but the rent is cheap and Byulyi lives with her so she really can’t complain. The tiny window is open and if Yongsun peers into the distance she can see the beginnings of the morning grey sky overtaking the darkness.</p><p> </p><p>A jolt to her arm startles her. She glances at her arm but whatever is happening or has happened isn’t within her direct line of sight. Yongsun walks over to her bedroom mirror, lifting her right arm-</p><p> </p><p>New markings have appeared on her arm. They’re unsteady, like someone with tears in their eyes had a hard time writing them. Letters that are thick and bold, etch themselves onto her skin, standing out starkly against the pale of Yongsun’s arm. She swallows when she reads them.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>Is she gay?</em>
</p><p> </p><p>Interestingly enough, these words fade quickly. It’s only a few days before they are gone and a year later, Yongsun forgets about them entirely. She’s too busy working, always working, and has no time to think or feel about something so out of reach.</p><p> </p><p>Because that’s what love is, as an idol, a distant star one simply cannot hold. It’s a luxury she and the other girls will never be allowed, and certainly not with anyone besides a man.</p><p> </p><p>But oh how Yongsun aches because she doesn’t really want a man. There have been boys of course, in her youth. And guys over the years, who caught her eye or she dated briefly. But now, with her world the way it is, she doesn’t feel as though anyone could really connect with her. Not an ordinary guy, who has no idea the stress she is under and probably never will. Not any man, who suffers under the same spotlight she does. Because Yongsun is older, and not the stereotypical Korean beautiful you see in most idols.</p><p> </p><p>She has chubby cheeks and an annoying laugh and she scrubs desperately at the words that read <em>too skinny</em> and <em>too fat</em> right next to each other behind her knee. No, no one will really understand what she’s going through except-</p><p> </p><p>Byulyi is quiet. She’s too quiet and sometimes that angers Yongsun. There doesn’t seem to be any sign of passion or fire, leaving Yongsun aching so vividly for a person to share her interests with. And Byulyi seems to like many of the same things she does. They eat together frequently, enjoy some of the same hobbies they both no longer have time for. But Byulyi is soft-spoken in her enjoyment and fades rather flawlessly into the background.</p><p> </p><p>But Yongsun wants-</p><p> </p><p>They’re the last ones in the practice room; their maknaes had already gone home for the night but Yongsun is still struggling with the choreography. It frustrates her to no end, this one small part in the dance that doesn’t feel quite natural. She’s been debating on changing it for the past few days but the others had all agreed it looks good the way it is. Yongsun runs through it a couple of different ways, adding different steps or different arm movements. Her gestures have never been very sharp, and her dance style tends to be cuter.</p><p> </p><p>As though that could ever make up for how she isn’t  actually cute.</p><p> </p><p>(not in the way that matters)</p><p> </p><p>All of the members wear makeup to cover their words but when they’re alone like this, they wear long sleeves instead. The exertion for overextending herself causes Yongsun to sweat heavily, still not quite in the best shape. Her legs shake for the effort and her shoulders feel overly tense.</p><p> </p><p>Byulyi has been quietly watching from the sidelines, her head tilted and lips parted as she considers what would most help her leader. Yongsun doesn’t want to admit that the help causes her to feel shame. She doesn’t want it so much as she needs it.</p><p> </p><p>“What if…” Byulyi speaks for the first time in ten minutes, breaking through the harsh panting of Yongsun’s breathing.</p><p> </p><p>She pushes off the wall, grasping at Yongsun’s hips and pulling her into the taller girl. Yongsun startles at this. Her thoughts are far away from the actual words coming out of Byulyi’s mouth. The fingers grasp gently at her hips and Yongsun can feel the heat from her body. It’s startling, the way she wants to lean into Byulyi’s quiet strength. Maybe it’s the exhaustion that’s making her needy.</p><p> </p><p>“You’re thinking too much,” Byulyi’s words tickle her ear and Yongsun bites her lip to stifle her gasp.</p><p> </p><p>“Someone has to do it if you aren’t going to,” Yongsun replies and ignores the way her words come out more hesitant than she wants.</p><p> </p><p>“Your movements don’t have to be sharp,” Byulyi continues, “They just need to look good. Our CEO doesn’t care that much about us being carbon copies of ourselves. Be confident in yourself, your moves will come to you and look that much better.”</p><p> </p><p>Yongsun does the move again, this time with Byulyi holding her hips and guiding her. It seems to flow better and Yongsun finds herself relaxing back into the hold. The music plays at half speed, which sounds strange given that it’s one of their more upbeat songs.</p><p> </p><p>Byulyi laughs as Yongsun twirls in her arms, waving her arms excitedly.</p><p> </p><p>And later, Yongsun will blame it on late night bad decisions. Her giddiness at something finally feeling right leads her to repeat an action she never thought she would.</p><p> </p><p>She spins to a stop facing Byulyi, practically sharing the same air as the taller girl. Byulyi giggles at the unexpected closeness and scrunches her nose.</p><p> </p><p>“That looks way better,” She remarks with a twinkle in her eyes.</p><p> </p><p>As she moves to step away from Yongsun, her leader grabs her wrist, keeping her close. Byulyi, still in a playful mood, laughs and leans forward teasingly for a kiss.</p><p> </p><p>Which Yongsun happily meets.</p><p> </p><p>The older girl sinks into the feeling as Byulyi startles from the sudden contact. She lets out a quiet whimper before wrapping her arms around Yongsun. It seems as though she’s opened the floodgates because once she starts kissing Yongsun, Byulyi doesn’t stop.</p><p> </p><p>Yongsun supposes she has left Byulyi hanging for far too long.</p><p> </p><p>Her lips are as soft as Yongsun remembers, chapped from the winter cold. Byulyi tastes like the pizza she ate earlier and something uniquely Byulyi. Yongsun doesn’t know how long it lasts but when they break away Byulyi is beaming at her. She’s so cute at that moment that Yongsun has to lean forward and give her another peck on the lips.</p><p> </p><p>“You’re cute,” Byulyi whispers to her, fragile as if waiting to be rejected again.</p><p> </p><p>Yongsun simply links their hands together and presses a kiss to Byulyi’s knuckles.</p><p> </p><p>That’s when she knew she was in love.</p><p> </p><p>
  <strong>part ii: Yongsun and Wheein and stolen moments at eleven in the morning</strong>
</p><p> </p><p>It’s easy to fall in love with Wheein, Yongsun thinks.</p><p> </p><p>She admires the girl’s easygoing nature which seems to balance the group so well. Her kind eyes and gentle smile and outrageous laugh make Yongsun’s heart flutter. Wheein is so young and so confident and doesn’t get nearly as much attention as she should.</p><p> </p><p>Yongsun admires the curl of her hair and the dimple that pops when Hyejin pokes at her tummy, humming lazily into Wheein’s neck where she’s curled. Byulyi sits beside Yongsun on the opposite couch, an arm curled around her waist even though she’s leaning back while Yongsun leans forward.</p><p> </p><p>“Hyejin-ah,” Wheein complains as her best friend presses a kiss behind her ear.</p><p> </p><p>Something boils in Yongsun’s blood and she immediately feels stupid for it. Hyejin monopolizes a majority of Wheein’s time offstage and Byulyi monopolizes it on stage. Yongsun desperately wants some alone time with Wheein, maybe the ability to talk just one on one with her. She’s not quite sure, just anything to get her away from Hyejin-</p><p> </p><p>But that’s a thought she won’t entertain.</p><p> </p><p>Byulyi presses a kiss to Yongsun’s head before she tugs at her waist, insisting they go to bed. Yongsun squeezes her hand and stands up to follow. They brush their teeth side by side in Hyejin’s tiny bathroom. Yongsun settles beside Byulyi in Hyejin’s bed, presses a chaste kiss to her lips, and tucks her back into Byulyi’s front.</p><p> </p><p>She doesn’t know how long she sleeps for, only that there’s a fair amount of sunlight streaming in when she wakes. Byulyi sleeps soundly beside her, a stray bang falling into her face. Yongsun brushes back and presses a kiss to her temple before leaving the bed.</p><p> </p><p>She wanders into the living room to find Hyejin sprawled out on the couch. From Yongsun's vantage point, it almost looks like Wheein was kicked from her sleeping place given the impressive starfish position Hyejin has found herself in. Glancing at the clock, Yongsun sees that it's already eleven in the morning. Which probably means that Wheein just woke up before the still sleeping maknae.</p><p> </p><p>Yongsun shuffles lazily into the kitchen, her bare feet against the cold tiles. She stretches with a quiet sigh, her joints cracking lazily with the shift.</p><p> </p><p>Wheein stands at the counter, confirming Yongsun's suspicions about already being awake, smiling teasingly at Yongsun. “You have a terrible bedhead.”</p><p> </p><p>“Good morning to you too,” Yongsun grumbles, a hand at the small of Wheein’s back as she moves behind her toward the coffee pot.</p><p> </p><p>“I was thinking about getting some breakfast food,” Wheein informs her, sleepily rubbing at her bare eyes.</p><p> </p><p>“You’re going to willingly leave the apartment to get food you could just order?” Yongsun asks, unable to keep the confusion from her voice.</p><p> </p><p>Wheein shrugs and hides her face behind her own coffee mug. “Hyejin may have mentioned she was craving food from a little cafe a few blocks away last night.”</p><p> </p><p>And when her second youngest says something so sweet, how could Yongsun ever refuse her?</p><p> </p><p>“I’ll grab my wallet,” Yongsun says, moving past her again.</p><p> </p><p>A few minutes later they’re roaming the streets. Wheein hums a tune softly in the back of her throat, her voice angelic even if she isn’t fully singing. Yongsun takes this time to bask in the spring breeze and sunlight, smiling widely. They make it to the crowded cafe and order the food before stepping back outside to wait the fifteen minutes it should take to prepare it.</p><p> </p><p>Wheein leans against the brick wall, flipping her hair over her shoulder. Yongsun admires the curve of her jaw before her eyes dart away, not wanting to be too obvious.</p><p> </p><p>However, instead, they land on the tops of Wheein’s feet, exposed due to the sandals she’s wearing. The thick straps cover almost all of her foot except for the words peeking out of the space between her rolled jean ankle and the strap of her sandal.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>Why is Wheein even in the group? She literally has no purpose.</em>
</p><p> </p><p>Wheein seems to catch on the way Yongsun’s shoulders tighten and she follows her line of sight to the black ink exposed to her eyes. Her lips pull into an uncomfortable frown and Wheein shuffles anxiously.</p><p> </p><p>“Unnie-”</p><p> </p><p>“How long have you had these words?”</p><p> </p><p>They used to keep their words from each other but after Hyejin’s scare about a year ago, they agreed to be completely honest with one another. Yongsun has stayed up countless nights thinking positive thoughts about her members, hoping that they’ll replace the cruel thoughts of the public inked onto their skin. Hyejin’s body is constantly covered in insults about her appearance, and Byulyi’s body about her clothing choices. Yongsun and Wheein tend to suffer the least, close enough to the Korean standards that people choose to pick on the least favorable members.</p><p> </p><p>In fact, Yongsun can’t remember the last time Wheein had had a problem with the ink on her skin. She usually wears baggy clothes anyway, not conservative or manly like Byulyi and not a bum like Hyejin on her comfy days. Just a swag kind of casual, a lazy hip-hop dancer or skater boy. Because of this, Wheein’s body also tends to be concealed at all times. This leads to Yongsun forgetting that the hurtful comments never cease for any of them.</p><p> </p><p>“How long?” Yongsun repeats, her voice nearly a growl as she steps towards Wheein.</p><p> </p><p>Wheein just shrugs and looks down self consciously, not really great at putting words to these kinds of things. Yongsun gentles her approach, tilting Wheein’s head gently to look up to her.</p><p> </p><p>Sometimes Yongsun forgets just how young Wheein is. But when she looks like this, Yongsun can’t help but remember it. Her lips have a natural sort of pout to them that make oh so kissable. Her eyes are slender and cutting but the expression in them speaks of loneliness and longing. Yongsun always wonders what makes her so troubled.</p><p> </p><p>“We love you,” Yongsun reminds her, “I love you. And I don’t want you to feel like you need to hide this.”</p><p> </p><p>The younger girl nods, eyes still caught on Yongsun’s but she doesn’t speak.</p><p> </p><p>“Will you please let me-” Yongsun trails off, unsure how to really deal with this right now. It’s not like she can make the words go away magically. Nor can she replace them with her own thoughts. For the words to appear on the skin, you have to continuously think of them for at least a few days. Only the truly persistent thoughts appear on your skin.</p><p> </p><p>Which makes these words all the more heartbreaking.</p><p> </p><p>“It’s okay,” Wheein says softly, and Yongsun is so close that she can taste her breath. It’s different than Byulyi’s which should be obvious to the leader but it still takes her by surprise. Two years of stolen kisses and a relationship undefined. It’s good, it’s always good and Yongsun doesn’t necessarily want more so much as she wants-</p><p> </p><p>A taste is all, she promises herself.</p><p> </p><p>Yongsun presses into Wheein and the enthusiasm with which she responds almost startles her. Almost. Wheein fists her hands in her hair and licks lazily into Yongsun’s mouth, pulling a groan from her leader. Yongsun’s hands find Wheein’s hips and she pulls the other girl flush to her.</p><p> </p><p>Wheein sighs happily and settles back into the wall behind her. Yongsun detaches herself from the younger girl and curls a hand around Wheein’s neck, brushing at the skin behind her ear. Wheein shivers and Yongsun delights in the sunlight peaking into her eyes.</p><p> </p><p>“I love you,” Yongsun repeats.</p><p> </p><p>“I know,” Wheein whispers, pressing a kiss to Yongsun’s cheek.</p><p> </p><p>Yongsun wonders why she looks so damn sad about that.</p><p> </p><p>
  <strong>part iii: Yongsun and Hyejin and stolen time at six in the evening</strong>
</p><p> </p><p>Dammit, Hyejin they do not have time for this.</p><p> </p><p>Yongsun is frantically running around after Hyejin’s “Twit” win looking for their youngest. Their celebration on stage had been a ton of fun but they all have a dance practice after this as they get ready for another concert. Hyejin knows this, and while Yongsun loves all of her members dearly, sometimes Hyejin makes it hard.</p><p> </p><p>She comes to a stop outside of the now-closed door to Hyejin’s changing room. Yongsun had already checked here earlier before telling Byulyi and Wheein to just go back to their building while she found the youngest. Byulyi had pressed a kiss to her lips and Wheein had avoided her eyes.</p><p> </p><p>“Just don’t be too hard on her,” Wheein asked with her eyes downcast, “It’s her first solo win.”</p><p> </p><p>Yongsun knows this, cares deeply about how far Hyejin has come in terms of her confidence, her image, and her music. It brings tears to the oldest’s eyes. She recalls a time when Hyejin was fresh-faced and energetic about everything. Her gestures were over the top, her voice, while naturally beautiful, was pushed and pushed as she gave her everything. Yongsun remembers scolding her for acting out, for making their promotions harder than they already were when she refused to compromise who she was.</p><p> </p><p>Now Yongsun knows that this wasn’t just on Hyejin. She can feel the shame that lurks in her gut, of pushing Hyejin in the wrong ways at the wrong times. And yet despite Yongsun’s awful job at being a leader, a mentor, (a friend) she managed to thrive.</p><p> </p><p>Her pride in their maknae feels fake even to herself, even if Yongsun knows that she is genuine in her sincerity.</p><p> </p><p>The public probably wouldn’t believe Yongsun if she expressed her care for their baby. While they’ve slowly been getting closer over the last couple of years, Yongsun has always hidden her affections for Hyejin. Not because she doesn’t have them, but because sometimes the emotions she feels for the maknae is simply too much.</p><p> </p><p>Yongsun has this immense pride in Hyejin, but beneath that, something ugly lurks. It feels an awful lot like sadness and jealousy and loneliness. It feels like Wheein kissing her back and then avoiding her whenever they aren’t on camera. It feels like Hyejin being adored and Yongsun being abandoned.</p><p> </p><p>After all, how could you ever contain someone as wild as Hyejin?</p><p> </p><p>It’s a selfish want, but a want all the same. Yongsun doesn’t want the rest of the world to know her Hyejin. She craves the affection Hyejin shows Wheein and her calming presence in their group. Yongsun aches-</p><p> </p><p>“Hyejin-ah,” Yongsun calls as she walks into the room,</p><p> </p><p>The sight just about breaks her.</p><p> </p><p>Her maknae, her baby, this woman she has watched grow up and become someone she deeply admires, is bawling.</p><p> </p><p>Hyejin weeps loudly from her position in front of the vanity. She is stripped down to her underwear, out of the clothes she wore for the event. Hyejin has pulled her hair back by her favorite silver clip as opposed to the loose curls she had during the celebration stage. Hyejin’s hands are scrubbing furiously at the skin below her bra.</p><p> </p><p>But it’s the <em>words</em> that catch Yongsun’s attention.</p><p> </p><p>All of them are bolded and capitalized and cover every inch of her torso.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>She doesn’t deserve this win.</em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>My queen looks so beautiful.</em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>What a fatass.</em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>Who’s dick did she suck to rig this?</em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>I wish I were her.</em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>Hwasa is the best.</em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>I want to look like Hwasa one day.</em>
</p><p> </p><p>It breaks Yongsun’s heart.</p><p> </p><p>She moves forward toward Hyejin, who still hasn’t noticed her presence. Yongsun braces her hands on Hyejin’s shoulders who jumps under Yongsun’s touch. Hyejin pulls away to face her unnie, wiping at her nose and covering her torso with her arms.</p><p> </p><p>“Unnie I-” Hyejin hiccups and stutters as she tries to regain control of her breathing.</p><p> </p><p>“Shhh,” Yongsun moves forward only for Hyejin to step back again, fear in her wild gaze.</p><p> </p><p>It brings tears to Yongsun’s eyes.</p><p> </p><p>“Hyejin please,” Yongsun begs as she steps forward again, trying not to let her own tears fall. But Hyejin has never been good at listening to her-</p><p> </p><p>“It’s not as bad as it looks,” Hyejin says, a hint of desperation to her voice. “They’re new, it’s not like I’ve been hiding them for a while and-”</p><p> </p><p>“It’s okay baby,” Yongsun says, letting Hyejin back herself against the vanity. She reaches for a cooling pack from the cooler under the table. Hyejin looks like she’s waiting for Yongsun to scold her again and Yongsun can no longer contain the tears as they finally make the long trek down her face. “It’s okay,” Yongsun repeats.</p><p> </p><p>With gentle hands, Yongsun guides Hyejin’s arms away from her body. She places them around Yongsun’s shoulders as her unnie presses the cool pack to the angry red skin of Hyejin’s tummy. With Yongsun's other hand, she rubs soothingly up and down Hyejin’s back.</p><p> </p><p>“You are so loved,” Yongsun reminds her. “I- I am so proud of what you’ve accomplished.” her words are slurred through her tears but the neediness in Hyejin’s eyes makes Yongsun breathe in deeply.</p><p> </p><p>“What do you need, baby?”</p><p> </p><p>Hyejin shakes her head violently. The tears in her eyes have finally stopped falling but Yongsun still desperately wants to make her feel better.</p><p> </p><p>And at that moment, Yongsun kind of wishes Hyejin were a little less talented, a little less brilliant. The world doesn’t deserve her voice if this is the treatment they are going to impart on her.</p><p> </p><p>Yongsun, so caught up in her righteous anger, jumps when Hyejin presses a kiss to her lips.</p><p> </p><p>It shouldn’t come as a surprise except it does because since when did Hyejin love anyone besides Wheein? But then again Hyejin has always had so much love to give.</p><p> </p><p>She kisses so differently than her stage persona. Hyejin is all soft lips and fleeting touches and more a tentative tease than a seduction. Her curves press into Yongsun; Hyejin kisses with her whole body, hands moving along the notches of Yongsun's spine. Yongsun groans into the kiss and snakes her tongue into Hyejin’s mouth, tracing the back of her teeth.</p><p> </p><p>Hyejins knees give out and they fall back against the vanity. Yongsun catches her with two hands grabbing at her ass and hoisting her onto the table, allowing the makeup of scatter. Hyejin laughs delicately into her mouth, the tears have finally slowed to a trickle on both their ends.</p><p> </p><p>“I’m sorry unnie,” Hyejin repeats, wrapping Yongsun in another strong hug.</p><p> </p><p>“I am too,” Yongsun whispers, her fingers pressing into the soft of Hyejin’s tummy. “I’m so sorry.”</p><p> </p><p>“Is it too late?” Hyejin wonders, “Is it enough?”</p><p> </p><p>Yongsun presses another kiss to her lips, her heart soaring in her chest. “You are amazing Hyejin. You always have been. And I- I want this.”</p><p> </p><p>“I do too,” Hyejin promises, “I just, I need time.”</p><p> </p><p>It shouldn’t hurt. Yongsun has already been rejected by Wheein and now Hyejin and she knows they’ll be together. But still, she loves them all. She wants all of them. And maybe it’s greedy and selfish but she doesn’t want to lose the fire that Hyejin sparks in her core.</p><p> </p><p>Yongsun presses one more kiss to Hyejin’s mouth. “I’ll always love you,” Yongsun promises her.</p><p> </p><p>Hyejin whimpers and she sways forward, eyes half-lidded and darting toward Yongsun’s kiss-swollen lips.</p><p> </p><p>“Always,” Yongsun promises.</p><p> </p><p>
  <strong>part iv: Byulyi and Yongsun and too much anger</strong>
</p><p> </p><p>Byulyi has been in love with Yongsun since she first laid eyes on her. It’s as simple as that.</p><p> </p><p>There was no grand realization Byulyi didn’t walk into the room and have her breath catch because she laid eyes upon the most gorgeous girl she had ever seen. Quite frankly, her very first impression of Yongsun was that she was stern and kind of intimidating and Byulyi had just insulted her.</p><p> </p><p>So her next natural conclusion was that she loved Yongsun.</p><p> </p><p>Not because she’s beautiful (although she is) but because there’s kindness in her eyes and truth in her words and some sort of gravity that pulls Byulyi toward her. Maybe it’s the romantic in Byulyi, who learned long ago she would rather date a woman than a man. Maybe it’s her maturity, that tells her she shouldn’t waste her time looking anywhere else.</p><p> </p><p>Maybe it’s the u-haul lesbian in her that says they need to move in immediately and adopt a cat.</p><p> </p><p>Yongsun is fiery and determined and exactly what Byulyi wants, even if she isn’t quite ready to look her leader in the eye. This really only angers Yongsun and they’ve bickered about it countless times. Hyejin’s strong arms wrap around Byulyi’s midsection as she pries her off of Yongsun and Wheein does the same with their unnie. It’s the same old fight they always seem to have, probably the only time Byulyi is willing to truly voice her opinion.</p><p> </p><p>But right now, their maknaes aren’t here.</p><p> </p><p>It’s another long day in the studio, practicing and perfecting their vocals. They sound amazing together but Byulyi’s voice is too soft. Her deeper tone doesn’t shine through as much and her vocal coach sighs loudly as he works with her. Yongsun has stayed behind to tend to other things, things that she won’t tell the others about. Byulyi worries that Yongsun is stretching herself too thin but someone has to do it. Their company is too small, and they don't have enough staff that can take care of these small details.</p><p> </p><p>Still, when she finally drags herself out of the studio, it’s well past dark. There’s a light on in the lounge area and Byulyi heads toward that area. Her footsteps echo in the empty hall and she can hear the jingle of keys as the vocal coach locks the back entrance while he takes his leave.</p><p> </p><p>Wearily, she opens the door. Yongsun is illuminated by the light of the laptop, her face bare and fingers clicking away on the keys as she writes up a probably important email. It's also probably the seventh one in the last few hours. Her bun is falling out and there are wispy bits sticking up and her glasses as slowly falling down her nose.</p><p> </p><p>She’s cute, and Byulyi feels herself relax at the sight of her unnie. Warmth seeps into her body and she shuffles forward to flop heavily besides Yongsun on the stiff couch. Her body has to hurt from the way her shoulders hunch over the computer. Byulyi pokes at Yongsun’s cheek, trying to gain her attention.</p><p> </p><p>“You should go home. Get some rest.” Byulyi suggests.</p><p> </p><p>“You think you’d be able to convince me to?” Yongsun snarks back.</p><p> </p><p>Byulyi grins, “Probably not but now I can say I tried to get you to go home.” She crosses her arms behind her head, grinning stupidly at the girl beside her.</p><p> </p><p>Yongsun rolls her eyes and pushes at Byulyi’s arm. “Go home Byul-ah.”</p><p> </p><p>“I’m good,” Byulyi responds, eyes twinkling.</p><p> </p><p>The older girl scoffs and shoves at Byulyi again, this time enough to tip her slightly. “Go,” she says, like she demands to be listened to. Yongsun still has a hard time giving orders. She doesn’t quite command respect and while Byulyi has always been a polite, quiet girl, something about Yongsun’s instructions makes her want to deliberately disobey.</p><p> </p><p>“No,” Byulyi repeats, slouching further into the couch. Her horrible posture makes Yongsun grimace.</p><p> </p><p>“You shouldn’t disrespect me like this,” Yongsun sniffs, her eyes narrowing. “It’s not cute.”</p><p> </p><p>“Ah, why should I bother trying to be cute when that’s clearly your concept.”</p><p> </p><p>Yongsun shoves her again as Byulyi laughs. “You can’t say things like that!” Despite her harsh tone, her words come out stuttered.</p><p> </p><p>“But unnie you always want me to speak up,” Byulyi bats her eyes, “Aren’t you proud of me?”</p><p> </p><p>She leans into Yongsun dramatically, who stands, fuming. “This is childish and no one is going like you if you keep this up. It’s important that you at least try to be likable. You’ll drag our group down if you don’t.”</p><p> </p><p>Byulyi conceals her wince but she can’t conceal the anger that flares in her. In the back of her mind, she recognizes that Yongsun isn’t deliberately seeking out her insecurities but at this point, it almost doesn’t matter. Byulyi knows she doesn’t fit the mold, she never has and it kills her parents beyond belief. She really can’t stand to disappoint anyone else.</p><p> </p><p>(a small voice inside her, the one that sounds an awful lot like her last boyfriend, screams she’ll never be enough even if she does conform.)</p><p> </p><p>Byulyi shoves hard at Yongsun, whose mouth opens in rage. She hits Byulyi again and soon fists are flying. She lands a hard smack to Yongsun’s jaw and in turn, gets a shove that sends her into the wall. She grasps at the lapels of Yongsun’s jacket and turns their positions.</p><p> </p><p>Yongsun’s leg kicks out and Byulyi winces at the sharp hit to her shin. Byulyi kicks at Yongsun’s inner ankle and then there are hands in her hair and they’re collapsing on the ground. Yongsun ends up straddling Byulyi, one hand fisting her hair and her elbow hitting the floor hard. Yongsun rears back from the pain and Byulyi is suddenly very close to Yongsun’s face.</p><p> </p><p>Nothing happens for a brief moment, Yongsun seemingly stunned by how they’ve ended up here. Byulyi doesn’t think for one blissful second and that’s probably her mistake. Because in that single second Byulyi is grabbing at Yongsun’s neck and pulling her in for a searing kiss.</p><p> </p><p>To her surprise, Yongsun immediately kisses back but it’s hard and Byulyi swears she’s being marked. (there's something dark inside her that is quietly pleased by the feeling.) Yongsun brushes her tongue against Byulyi’s and she whimpers in response before Yongsun takes her bottom lip in her mouth and bites hard.</p><p> </p><p>Byulyi groans desperately and bucks into Yongsun. That’s apparently all it takes for Yongsun to realize what she’s done and she’s scrambling off Byulyi before the other girl can open her eyes.</p><p> </p><p>“This- This never happened. You can’t tell anyone okay? They can’t- I’m- I’m not-” Yongsun looks near tears and while others may feel a burning sense of rejection, Byulyi feels strangely calm. Nothing stings in her chest or makes her feel as if she has been dumped in a bucket of ice. Byulyi just shrugs and looks at her unnie.</p><p> </p><p>“Okay,” She tries for what she hopes is a reassuring smile, “Are you going to go home now?”</p><p> </p><p>Yongsun nods, seemingly still antsy about Byulyi’s non-reaction. “You should too.”</p><p> </p><p>And with those last words, Yongsun departs.</p><p> </p><p>A week later new words are snaking their way onto Byulyi’s skin. Right between “she’s so lucky she’s so skinny” and “why does she dress like that?” on her upper thigh Byulyi watches the words come in tentatively, light and childlike and afraid.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>What did the kiss mean to her?</em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <strong>part v: Byulyi and Wheein and too much empathy</strong>
</p><p> </p><p>“Byulyi~” Wheein’s clear voice rings out from across the room. She’s laying on the couch, waiting her turn for her individual scene for the music video. Byulyi had just finished but now Yongsun is doing her part. Hyejin has gone missing, as she likes to do. Probably avoiding the cameras or finding something to eat.</p><p> </p><p>“Byulyi,” Wheein repeats when Byulyi doesn’t acknowledge her.</p><p> </p><p>“Oh Wheeinie” Byulyi sing-songs, coming over to lay down on Wheein.</p><p> </p><p>The smaller girl fidgets and lets out a loud sigh of protest. “Why are you always like this?” She complains.</p><p> </p><p>“You’re just so comfy,” Byulyi responds, snuggling into Wheein.</p><p> </p><p>She’s not lying, Wheein is the second thickest member of their group. Granted Hyejin will always take first in that aspect but Wheein’s soft belly and cute thighs make her just so huggable. Byulyi enjoys pressing her body to Wheein’s. Inhaling her fruity scent and tucking her head on top of Wheein’s. Their height difference isn’t nearly enough to properly do this but if she stands on her tiptoes she can make it work.</p><p> </p><p>Wheein groans and wiggles underneath her. Byulyi holds in her laughter when Wheein falls still, feigning defeat. As much as Wheein complains and postures, Byulyi can feel the way her hand comes to rub at Byulyi’s back, fleeting and light but comforting all the same.</p><p> </p><p>There’s a light pressure to Byulyi’s temple. Wheein nuzzles her nose into the soft skin there, clutching tighter at Byulyi. For a minute, Byulyi wonders if Wheein is going to start crying.</p><p> </p><p>“Are you okay?” Byulyi asks gently.</p><p> </p><p>It’s no secret that among the group, Wheein takes to fame the worst. It’s not that she can’t handle the pressure or the lights, simply that she doesn’t enjoy it as much. She gets anxious and tense, constantly worried about things she can’t control. Even if she could, Byulyi doubts that would ease her conscience.</p><p> </p><p>Wheein inhales deeply beneath her. Pressed as they air, Byulyi can acutely feel the rise and fall of her chest, and can sense the tension in her legs and stomach. It’s harder to catch the nervousness on Wheein. All of the members tend to be pros at hiding their hurts and nerves, but Wheein’s is most natural. Yongsun gives herself away in the intensity of her gaze. Hyejin’s mouth twitches just so when she hears something she isn’t comfortable with.</p><p> </p><p>Wheein clenches her stomach and almost elongates her legs. Byulyi thinks it reminds her of a girl bullied, braced for a blow that she can’t see but expects all the same.</p><p> </p><p>They’re still fairly new to the public but Byulyi has known Wheein for two years now. She hates still knowing so little about their smallest member.</p><p> </p><p>“Are you?” Wheein asks, breaking Byulyi out of her thoughts.</p><p> </p><p>And as attentive as Byulyi is, Wheein is incredibly perceptive. She has the memory to recall the smallest details of them all, and store them away for later. It’s not as though Wheein knows them all best, far from it. Her mental category of their actions and ticks is just vast. It seems to enable her to pick up easily on the nonverbal cues.</p><p> </p><p>Which she does here now. The surprise of her statement catches Byulyi off guard and she inhales too quickly, too harshly. Her chest stutters and there’s an increase in her heartbeat, causing her palms to become slightly sweaty. Wheein, pressed as she is to Byulyi, can feel all this.</p><p> </p><p>“It’s okay to need help,” Wheein reminds her.</p><p> </p><p>“Maybe, but not from you,”</p><p> </p><p>Wheein flinches at that, her full body jerking as though Byulyi slapped her. A moment later Byulyi’s brain catches up with her mouth and she curses herself for misspeaking.</p><p> </p><p>“It’s not- like that,” Byulyi assures her, stuttered and awkward but sincere all the same. “I’m just- I’m older you know? I should be taking care of you.”</p><p> </p><p>A hand brushes at the skin of Byulyi’s neck and she winces internally. The makeup applied there is hasty and not her best work. The words had appeared abruptly during the shoot and Byulyi just slapped on the makeup so that she could finish off her day.</p><p> </p><p>“Hyejin and I-“ Wheein hums in the back of her throat, considering as she presses her fingers to Byulyi’s words. “We want you guys to be happy too. We want to help.”</p><p> </p><p>And she can’t possibly know-</p><p> </p><p>Byulyi feels the tears spark in her eyes and the overwhelming tenderness in Wheein’s actions leaves her breathless and wanting-</p><p> </p><p>“You don’t have to be alone,” Wheein reassures her.</p><p> </p><p>Sitting up just enough, Byulyi connects their lips.</p><p> </p><p>She doesn’t know what to expect with it. Byulyi was so convinced that Yongsun was the only one she could ever love, or would ever love. She believed in soulmates, in two halves that make a whole. Someone who completes Byulyi intimately and fully could only ever be one person.</p><p> </p><p>Right?</p><p> </p><p>Wheein exhales into Byulyi’s mouth, moves her lips against hers and she’s experienced, Byulyi is startled to discover. Playful with nips and the tease of her tongue, but wholesome with the fleeting pressure before she adjusts her head. Byulyi smiles into the kiss and something in her chest clicks into place.</p><p> </p><p>She loves Wheein.</p><p> </p><p>“Wheein! To the set please!”</p><p> </p><p>They spring apart, both due to the loudspeaker. Wheein avoids her gaze as she darts out the room and Byulyi has eyes only for her as she leaves.</p><p> </p><p>When she’s gone, Byulyi turns to the mirror and sees the newest word on her neck, one that she was sure was proudly on display now.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>Dyke.</em>
</p><p> </p><p>It’s a sudden realization, the quickest tears in the backroom when she went to cover it. The shame the word brought on her made her quiver. And Wheein- little Wheein, who sees too much- had been there. Not crowding her, or pushing her when the time was wrong. She had been the one, handing Byulyi a tissue and resting a hand on Byulyi’s shoulder.</p><p> </p><p>There had always been a quiet strength to Wheein. Byulyi finds herself drawn to it, but she never could have thought-</p><p> </p><p>But it was easy, wasn’t it? Loving Wheein would always be easy.</p><p> </p><p>
  <strong>part vi: Byulyi and Hyejin and too much tension</strong>
</p><p> </p><p>Wheein is laughing at her expression. Byulyi can’t blame her, she’s probably doing a great impression of a fish out of water. Thinks that the fans are rioting about this display Hyejin is giving them, giving her. Thinks that she could stand being laughed at if she could keep this memory ingrained in her memory for the rest of her life.</p><p> </p><p>Hyejin is not wearing much. The line of her shoulders is accentuated by the thin straps of her body suit. The jean shorts are <em>short</em> and the skin of her thighs glimmers in the concert lights. She’s approaching Byulyi, who is backing up desperately. Praying that the younger girl will have mercy on her. No such luck.</p><p> </p><p>If she goes any further she’ll be offstage and with nowhere to go Byulyi is desperately trying to remember the lyrics to her rap before her brain completely shuts off. But Hyejin is turning and Byulyi thinks she is finally going to catch a break-</p><p> </p><p>Really, she should know better when dealing with their fatal maknae.</p><p> </p><p>Hyejin twists her body, presenting her alluring backside to Byulyi. Bends forward just so and rolls her hips and-</p><p> </p><p>Byulyi sticks her hand out as if that’s going to do anything. Her heart is racing and she can feel it high in her chest, beside the beat of the music, and low in her stomach, demanding and persistent and dammit. She really liked this pair of underwear.</p><p> </p><p>It's not like this is the first time it's happened. Nor does Byulyi believe it’ll be the last. She blinks. Memories of hands grabbing at her jacket, shoving it off her shoulders. Slim fingers grasping at her tie, pulling it apart, pulling her apart. She thinks of hands in her hair, hands trailing up her arms. Thinks of Hyejin advancing on her, pulling her close (Byulyi desperately wishing she wouldn’t let go).</p><p> </p><p>There are moments. Moments where Hyejin is Hwasa and Byulyi feels like another fan. Helpless to the desire that tugs in her gut when those hips sway. Thinks of Hyejin walking toward her, moving slowly but with purpose. Invading her space and glancing at their audience. It's a dangerous game she plays, allowing her so close. Where she can count the lashes on Hyejin’s eyes, real and fake. Can feel her breath and can smell her shampoo.</p><p> </p><p>And yet something inside her clenches at the thought of loving someone other than Yongsun. As if maybe this is cheating.</p><p> </p><p>They aren’t together, at least not in any traditional sense. The media prefers to paint idols in a strictly heteronormative image and while Yongsun and Byulyi can break many rules, this isn’t one of them.</p><p> </p><p>Sometimes she wishes it could be different. But other times Byulyi enjoys their secrecy. No one can say anything about them, or over-analyze their gestures. They can simply be.</p><p> </p><p>If only she could control herself.</p><p> </p><p>Wheein was one thing, soft and playful and basically everything you could want in a girlfriend. Byulyi writes off that love as something she could convince herself is platonic.</p><p> </p><p>With Hyejin though-</p><p> </p><p>Around the youngest- with her daring eyes and cheeky smile- Byulyi has no control. There’s desire, running rampant through her veins and itching for release. Something wild and dangerous and so potent it could probably suffocate anyone caught in the crossfire. Byulyi swears she loves all of her members but she can’t love them all like that.</p><p> </p><p>Can she?</p><p> </p><p>Another morning spent in their building that drags on their vocal cords. Byulyi feels the exhaustion, can see it acutely on her other members. They’ve been up too late once again. Yongsun’s eyes are wide and alert but her body slumps more than usual. Wheein lacks her typical energy and Hyejin looks as though she could collapse at any moment.</p><p> </p><p>The youngest records first today and Byulyi can’t think much beyond <em>dazzling</em> once her low voice fills the waiting area. Her notes are rich with emotion and they pull at Byulyi’s heart. She’s breathless at the sound of her voice, can barely hear the track playing because the pounding of her heart is louder than any drum.</p><p> </p><p>Abruptly she stumbles out of the studio, running into the wall of the narrow (thankfully empty) hallway. She sucks in air, greedy for it. Byulyi’s hands are sweaty and she can feel lyrics itching to be written. About the lilt of Hyejin’s voice, the confidence in the music, the peace of the melody she weaves.</p><p> </p><p>An ache settles in her chest, right where her lungs should be. Yearning for the freedom of a normal life, a free life. Without the obligations the music industry brings. The spotlight on their group’s every move. The expectations placed on all of them.</p><p> </p><p>Sobs catch at the back of her throat and Byulyi panics because she can’t cry. Not now, not when anyone could find her and-</p><p> </p><p>A firm grasp tugs her forward, off the wall that had been supporting all her weight. Byulyi stumbles into a soft body and suddenly she's in a room and her chest is heaving with the labor of breathing and-</p><p> </p><p>“Byulyi breathe. Everything is going to be okay.”</p><p> </p><p>Hyejin’s voice is gentle and her fingers are clutching at Byulyi’s shoulders. Her embrace is warm and Byulyi can feel the blush rise in her chest and the heat settle in her cheeks. Hyejin’s low words of assurance are whispered directly into her ear and she can feel the way the younger’s chest rises and falls with deliberate slow breaths-</p><p> </p><p>It's then that Byulyi registers how close Hyejin is. Tense all over as the situation comes to clarity. Hyejin feels the way Byulyi goes rigid in her arms and pulls back, placing a finger under Byulyi’s chin to tilt her head up, forcing the eye contact and-</p><p> </p><p>She's breathless all over again. Hyejin has minimal makeup on and Byulyi briefly contemplates the taste of her lips without the lipstick in the way. They’re close, so close it would take almost no effort to connect their lips. Hyejin is still, calm and collected, and endlessly patient. She makes no move to leave even after she finds whatever it was she was looking for in Byulyi’s eyes.</p><p> </p><p>A slow smirk spreads across her lips and Hyejin leans in closer. “do I look pretty?”</p><p> </p><p>Byulyi rears back with forced laughter. Squirming under the attention and the abrupt question, her mind flashing back to a dream-</p><p> </p><p>Hyejin’s laugh is as beautiful as the rest of her. It encompasses the room and fills it with presence. Life stops and starts on the notes of her chuckle, full of youth and content.</p><p> </p><p>“What’s gotten into you unnie?” She grabs Byulyi’s forearm with one hand, covering her mouth with the other, and no- Byulyi doesn't want that, wants to see the smile-</p><p> </p><p>She feels like freedom is sitting right in front of her, if only she were brave enough to take it.</p><p> </p><p>Maybe a taste. Maybe it will be enough.</p><p> </p><p>(it isn’t)</p><p> </p><p>Byulyi grasps the hand covering Hyejin’s smile, pulls her in to hold Byulyi’s waist, and kisses her.</p><p> </p><p>Hyejin lets out a startled sound, frozen for a few seconds and Byulyi is panicking because she isn’t kissing back and everything is going to be so awkward-</p><p> </p><p>But then Hyejin parts her lips, accepts the warmth of Byulyi’s mouth, and leans into her. She doesn’t kiss how Byulyi imagined; there’s a question in every move of her lips, faint and promising and full of wonder.</p><p> </p><p>Byulyi wonders how she could have thought that Hyejin- sweet, kind, sensitive Hyejin- would kiss any differently.</p><p> </p><p>When Hyejin finally pulls back, she licks her lips, head tilted like she’s still evaluating the kiss.</p><p> </p><p>“We probably shouldn’t do that again,” Hyejin says.</p><p> </p><p>And Byulyi doesn’t really think before she’s responding, “Since when have you ever done what people expected?”</p><p> </p><p>There’s a beat of tense silence, as if Byulyi suggesting they have some fun is crazy. And maybe it is, because as much as Byulyi flirts, she’s absolutely awful at actually engaging with these kinds of things.</p><p> </p><p>Hyejin leans forward and places another kiss on her lips.</p><p> </p><p>“Okay, unnie,”</p><p> </p><p>And Byulyi? Byulyi is falling just like that.</p><p> </p><p>
  <strong>part vii: Wheein and Yongsun and always watching</strong>
</p><p> </p><p>So here’s the thing about Yongsun. Wheein is kind of, just a little bit, in love with her.</p><p> </p><p>It kind of takes her by shock. Yongsun and Byulyi had already told her they were in love with her. Wheein isn’t quite sure how it happened either. She understands falling in love with Hyejin (who wouldn’t) and she understands falling in love with Byulyi.</p><p> </p><p>Yongsun, on the other hand, is an anomaly.</p><p> </p><p>They’ve had pretty good chemistry, Wheein likes to think. But most of the time, Yongsun and her seem almost too similar in terms of energy level. Their leader has always been overflowing with positive and youthful energy. It helps bring Wheein out of her shell. Usually, Wheein can’t be at full energy around strangers or in front of the camera but seeing her unnie’s strange actions tends to relax her.</p><p> </p><p>However, the reason Wheein was attracted to Hyejin in the first place was because of the balance they have. Hyejin, though over the top sometimes, has a calming energy. She can be a goofball at times but for the most part, she’s quite mellow.</p><p> </p><p>Wheein can say the same for Byulyi, though it works a little differently than Hyejin. Byulyi is youthful, but more of an innocent style almost. It’s absurd to Wheein, that someone so greasy can have the same grounded presence.</p><p> </p><p>They both aid and balance Wheein’s own personality, making it so easy to fall for them both.</p><p> </p><p>Yongsun is just a little too loud, a little too energetic, and a little too weird.</p><p> </p><p>Wheein giggles to herself at this thought. It’s true though, Yongsun is weird. And not in a cute way like someone who collects stuffed animals even though they’re thirty. Not in the cool way, where she picks up an out of the box hobby that doesn’t scream existential crisis (looking at you, youtube) or nerdy (why does she know so many facts?). Yongsun just… makes weird expressions all the time.</p><p> </p><p>Like now when they’re out for a meal. Byulyi and Hyejin have disappeared to who knows where for the day. Wheein tries not to feel uncomfortable in her skin with the absence of the other two. It isn’t that she dislikes Yongsun or is afraid of her. It’s just been so long since Wheein actually sat down for some alone time with their leader.</p><p> </p><p>Yongsun’s hair is brown, probably slightly lighter than her normal hair color but it suits her. Her cheeks are still rounded, unable to lose that fat no matter how much she diets. It doesn’t really matter though because her waist is still thin and Wheein can’t tell because of her oversized clothes today but if she had to guess Yongsun has probably lost enough weight to have a flat stomach again.</p><p> </p><p>The light in the little cafe is blinding Wheein so she moves to sit next to Yongsun. They both face an empty booth now but Yongsun doesn’t mind. She’s drumming her fingers against the table lip, humming out a tune that sounds like one of their work-in-progress songs for their next mini-album.</p><p> </p><p>“What,” Yongsun asks, noticing Wheein is staring.</p><p> </p><p>“You’re making a lot of noise, unnie.”</p><p> </p><p>Yongsun rolls her eyes and smiles, close-lipped and mischievous. “Really?”</p><p> </p><p>Wheein rolls her eyes and stills her movements, firmly grasping Yongsun’s hand. The long fingers twitch against her palms and Yongsun lets out an indignant whine.</p><p> </p><p>“I’m just thinking about the recording we’re doing later today,” Yongsun complains, attempting to wrestle her grip from Wheein.</p><p> </p><p>While Yongsun is pretty strong, Wheein typically has good grip strength. Her unnie wiggles her shoulders and presses back against the glass window, frowning over dramatically.</p><p> </p><p>“You’re so annoying unnie,” Wheein laughs, releasing her hands finally.</p><p> </p><p>The black ink on Yongsun’s finger catches Wheein’s attention. She can feel the sticky makeup smudged on her hand from where it had been covering the words. They’re small; Wheein doesn’t think she’s ever seen words that small before.</p><p> </p><p>“What’s on your finger?” Wheein asks.</p><p> </p><p>Most of the time it is considered taboo to ask about the words. Idols cover them up for a reason, and it’s usually because when you’re in the spotlight you have an abundance of them. Fans would speculate on the words, makeup stories, or take it as a sign that their feelings or thoughts are shared. Wheein herself doesn’t have too many for being an idol. She enjoys privacy and it seems that those who do not favor her tend to forget about her often.</p><p> </p><p>She knows how lucky this is, that most of her words are in a positive light. She’s been in the changing room with Hyejin. Every time Hyejin removes her clothes, she seems to have twenty new comments and ten fading away. People are always thinking of her, but it’s also typically a 50/50 chance on whether or not these are good thoughts.</p><p> </p><p>Yongsun herself doesn’t really share her words. They made a pact earlier to start doing so more often but Yongsun always cites that hers are positive. Or that she doesn’t have many.</p><p> </p><p>“Nothing,” Yongsun waves her off. She opens her mouth to say something else but Wheein cuts her off.</p><p> </p><p>“Unnie you promised we were all in this together,”</p><p> </p><p>She can see the hesitation on Yongsun’s face. Whatever the words are, they probably aren’t good.</p><p> </p><p>Nevertheless, there isn’t much Yongsun will deny her girls. Especially the babies of the group and Wheein takes full advantage of it. (she knows Hyejin does as well, particularly when it comes to food)</p><p> </p><p>Yongsun stretched out her finger again and Wheein rubs away the remaining makeup.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>I want to be as skinny as her one day.</em>
</p><p> </p><p>It’s a dangerous comment for sure and Wheein can see the frown on Yongsun’s mouth when Wheein’s eyes skim over it. “How long has this been there?”</p><p> </p><p>Yongsun shrugs, “Maybe a week or two. It isn’t- extremely old but it doesn’t fade either.”</p><p> </p><p>Wheein understands what she means. It's rare for thoughts to be both persistent but quiet. Judging by the size of these words, it seems almost like an afterthought. Someone who gazes at Yongsun frequently and thinks about other things. Yet always observing her weight, her style, her flattering figure complimented by her clothes.</p><p> </p><p>Yongsun’s discomfort is subtle but Wheein takes some spare makeup out of her bag and begins to reapply it.</p><p> </p><p>“You don’t need to worry about it,” Wheein informs her quietly, knowing Yongsun will anyway.</p><p> </p><p>“Kind of my job,” Yongsun’s voice is light with humor but there is a certain helpless note to it.</p><p> </p><p>“You can’t… be everything for everyone all the time,” Wheein reminds her, watching the way her fingers curl as if trying to form a first.</p><p> </p><p>“I know.”</p><p> </p><p>Wheein can’t stop the inelegant snort that tumbles from her lips. Yongsun’s mouth curls but she still swats Wheein. However her eyes are a little less heavy and her posture seems to relax, as if remembering the weight of the world isn’t on her shoulders. Wheein delights in knowing that she can do this for Yongsun.</p><p> </p><p>She tilts forward, resting her head on Yongsun’s shoulder as they just relax in a world that doesn’t know them. Wheein observes the way the material of Yongsun’s jeans stretches over her slim thighs. Yongsun’s arms are restless, slightly jittery as her hands move from Wheein’s middle to her thighs, to the table and back again.</p><p> </p><p>She hums in the back of her throat, the same song from earlier. Wheein drags herself back up, feeling her neck tweak from its earlier positioning. Yongsun has her eyes closed, a little smile playing at her lips while she hums.</p><p> </p><p>It hits her then.</p><p> </p><p>Wheein is in love with her.</p><p> </p><p>Not all-consuming, or all-encompassing. There’s no desperate need to stay in Yongsun’s orbit or any lingering tension in the way their eyes catch sometimes. A peaceful sort of love washes over Wheein. There is something ringing in her ears, about her leader’s lower register that eases Wheein’s worries. Something that screams love in the way Yongsun’s fingers drum briefly on the table again, before unconsciously drifting back to Wheein, resting on her thigh.</p><p> </p><p>It’s kind of risky, kind of bold, but Wheein leans forward and kisses her.</p><p> </p><p>A part of her still expects it to be strange. Hyejin kisses with a lethargic certainty, teasing and wholesome and effortlessly seductive. Byulyi’s kisses are shy but full of wonder; she loves the experience, figuring out what Wheein likes and will spend hours delivering playful pecks to Wheein’s lips, nose, and cheeks just so that Wheein will laugh.</p><p> </p><p>Kissing Yongsun is like certainty. It’s the feeling you get when you know you’re right on a test. Her lips are soft and they command Wheein’s full attention as if Wheein could think over anything. She sets the pace, but strangely it’s like Yongsun reads Wheein’s mind and changes it fluidly, from a teasing tongue to a chaste press of the lips.</p><p> </p><p>Wheein allows herself to be pulled along for the ride, unhurried and unafraid.</p><p> </p><p>
  <strong>part viii: Wheein and Byulyi and always there</strong>
</p><p> </p><p>It happens slowly, so slowly that Wheein doesn’t realize until she’s halfway off the cliff with no intention of returning.</p><p> </p><p>Wheein ropes Byulyi into a weekend camping trip. She has a tent already and Byulyi brings the cooler. Their car is packed with more food than they probably need for a one night stay but Wheein wants to celebrate her time off work before they begin working on their next album.</p><p> </p><p>For her part, Byulyi actually didn’t need a lot of convincing to come on the trip. However, neither of them can drive so Yongsun agreed to drop them off. Hyejin said she could possibly pick them up afterward but Yongsun assured them that she will also be there because none of them actually believe Hyejin will remember.</p><p> </p><p>(It’s nothing against Hyejin, but she still has some promotions to do for Twit)</p><p> </p><p>Byulyi and Wheein spend the entire three and a half hours pestering Yongsun and singing so loudly it probably (slightly) damages their throats. Wheein can’t really bring herself to care when her cheeks hurt from smiling and she’s out of breath in a way that only ever happens after a longer practice. She feels freer than she has in a long time.</p><p> </p><p>Yongsun’s eyes are gleaming in the rearview mirror and Byulyi gestures wildly with her latest story. Everyone seems happier and Wheein delights in the easy atmosphere. Dare she say it’s perfect except Hyejin isn’t here. They all agreed they’ll treat Hyejin to a nice meal when she finally finishes her promotions; give her a few days to unwind and then they can spend a night at Hyejin’s apartment with all her favorite food and games.</p><p> </p><p>When they make it to the campsite, Wheein goes off to look for firewood and Byulyi begins assembling the tent. Out here, with clear skies and the fresh air, Wheein feels at peace. There are no cameras today (besides Byulyi’s phone when she inevitably makes Wheein pose for her) and Wheein can let all her troubles wash away.</p><p> </p><p>The setup doesn’t take long and by nightfall Wheein stands by the grill, watching the meat cook attentively. Byulyi is at the table, chopping up the fruit and vegetables into smaller pieces.</p><p> </p><p>They sit together on the same log, eating their food and enjoying the silence.</p><p> </p><p>“I really needed this,” Wheein exclaims, rubbing at her full stomach and stretching backward.</p><p> </p><p>When she cracks her neck and turns to look at Byulyi, the other girl is already staring at her, lips slightly parted and dark eyes thoughtful.</p><p> </p><p>“It is nice to get away for a while,” Byulyi agrees, stretching her arms in front of herself. She’s wearing a t-shirt and Wheein can see the ink staining her arms.</p><p> </p><p>For all of Byulyi’s friends, she doesn’t seem to have an abundance of marks. Wheein assumes that they come and go frequently. People probably think about Byulyi for a while before their mind drifts away naturally, only remembering her when they see her again.</p><p> </p><p>That being said, many of her words are kind. Wheein is aware that across her shoulder blades there is some slander. Either comments about her clothes or sexuality. Most of the group has gotten used to the harsher comments. On their worst days, it drives them to tears. Wheein remembers watching Yongsun break down after catching a new set of ugly words on her ribcage. Hyejin herself has fallen apart a few times, being quite sensitive.</p><p> </p><p>But there is strength to them now, as individuals and a group. They understand their worth better, know that it doesn’t lie in the thoughts of others but in their own mind. Wheein is proud of everyone, who can all still smile so brightly despite what they’ve been through.</p><p> </p><p>“We should do this more often,” Byulyi says, breaking through Wheein’s thoughts, “With the others as well.”</p><p> </p><p>Wheein laughs, loud and unrestrained, “Unnie, as much as they love us, Hyejin would not last out here and Yongsun would throw things at us for setting up the tent five feet from her preferred spot.”</p><p> </p><p>Byulyi snorts in agreement, her cheeks lifting high with a genuine grin. Wheein admires the muscles of her nose as it crinkles fondly.</p><p> </p><p>“I bet you could convince Hyejin,” Byulyi proclaims.</p><p> </p><p>“As if,” Wheein denies, knowing that she probably could if she bribed Hyejin with lots of hugs and food.</p><p> </p><p>Byulyi breaks out a deck of cards as Wheein stands to clean up. She shuffles thoughtlessly and Wheein enjoys the rhythmic sounds of her shuffling. Giggles once or twice when Byulyi curses as she messes up.</p><p> </p><p>She sits back down and Byulyi offers her the cards silently. Wheein deals them out. Cards tend to be Byulyi’s preferred game but they don’t often play. She knows most of the games well enough but the other members frequently forget the rules to any game she teaches within a few months, Wheein included.</p><p> </p><p>The only game Wheein knows how to play at this point is one she doesn’t remember the name of. Byulyi and her both have six piles containing four cards each, face down. Four cards rest in the common area and they race to make every pile four of a kind by exchanging cards from the common area.</p><p> </p><p>Byulyi isn’t great at this game; Wheein’s memory tends to help here since you can only pick up one pile at a time. She easily remembers which cards are where and sorts them quickly.</p><p> </p><p>“I swear you cheat at this game,” Byulyi exclaims after losing for the third time.</p><p> </p><p>“You’re just bad,” Wheein tells her smugly, watching her reshuffle. Byulyi has long, bony fingers. They remind Wheein of skeletal hands.</p><p> </p><p>“Brat,” Byulyi tells her affectionately.</p><p> </p><p>They play a few more rounds before calling it quits when Byulyi scatters the cards in frustration.</p><p> </p><p>“You’re picking those up,” Wheein tells her, shifting to sit on the ground so she can lean against the log and look up at the sky.</p><p> </p><p>Byulyi rolls her eyes but stands up and begins collecting the cards. “You’re the worst.”</p><p> </p><p>“But I’m cute.”</p><p> </p><p>The older hums in agreement, settling down beside Wheein. She doesn’t look at the sky though, instead keeping her gaze trained on Wheein. Though she isn’t fond of people staring at her, Wheein doesn’t feel uncomfortable being watched now. Byulyi’s gaze is warm and appreciative, if slightly shy. Her chin is dipped down, like it’s embarrassing that Wheein knows she’s watching but she still can’t look away.</p><p> </p><p>“Is there where you tell me some greasy line about how the stars are pretty but you stare at me because I’m the star?”</p><p> </p><p>Byulyi scoffs, “I’m the star; it’s in the name. You, however, still manage to outshine me.”</p><p> </p><p>Wheein fake gags at Byulyi’s words even though her cheeks heat up slightly. Byulyi grins at her, clearly pleased with herself. Wheein shoves her.</p><p> </p><p>“You’re impossible.”</p><p> </p><p>“Probably,” Byulyi nods in affirmation. She doesn’t stop looking at Wheein though. “Truth or dare?”</p><p> </p><p>“What is this? Middle school?” Wheein asks incredulously.</p><p> </p><p>“Humor me.”</p><p> </p><p>“Truth,”</p><p> </p><p>Byulyi leans into her space. The heat of her body and the fire make Wheein feel a little too toasty and she leans away slightly. It’s unsurprising how Byulyi follows, her breath hot on Wheein’s neck when she asks,</p><p> </p><p>“Do you want to kiss me?”</p><p> </p><p>Wheein barks out laughing. “Dare,” she proclaims, twisting to look Byulyi in the eyes. Her change in position has them sharing the same air.</p><p> </p><p>Byulyi’s eyes are bright. “I dare you to kiss me.”</p><p> </p><p>And Wheein, just to be a jerk, leans forward and says, “Never have I ever?”</p><p> </p><p>Byulyi kisses her then.</p><p> </p><p>It's warm. Byulyi tastes like the s’mores they had earlier and her mouth, despite the teasing, is gentle. Wheein sinks into the embrace, her hands cupping Byulyi’s face as Byulyi guides her on Byulyi’s lap.</p><p> </p><p>When she leans back, Wheein can feel it. She probably should’ve realized it sooner but her heart hammers in her chest and it all feels right. This moment, this realization.</p><p> </p><p>She loves Byulyi.</p><p> </p><p>It probably shouldn’t have taken this long but Wheein likes that it wasn’t sudden. There’s no rush, when Byulyi reconnects their lips and Wheein presses forward. Her mouth drops to the slender column of Byulyi’s throat and her heartbeat steadies.</p><p> </p><p>Loving Byulyi isn’t overwhelming or fast or intense. It’s soft moments that remind Wheein she’s loved. It’s playful banter and an ease that clicks into place deep within her soul. It’s finding another piece of her that feels complete in Byulyi’s arms.</p><p> </p><p>They go to bed that night, wrapped in each other in their tent, and Wheein sleeps peacefully for the first time in months.</p><p> </p><p>
  <strong>part ix: Wheein and Hyejin and always knowing</strong>
</p><p>Wheein isn’t shocked when she realizes it. Maybe a little surprised it took her this long.</p><p> </p><p>She’s a smart kid, and she knows it too. In reality, Wheein was just making sure that this is really what she wants, what she believes.</p><p> </p><p>And the truth is that Wheein is in love with Hyejin.</p><p> </p><p>It’s not really a surprise. She’s never been one to put so much stalk in boys or love or that perfect life. Despite tradition and her love for her family, Wheein understands the importance of bettering herself. How else would she provide for her loved ones if she wasn’t at her very best?</p><p> </p><p>Hyejin almost has that same ideal. Wheein can’t really tell at first. She’s loud about the things that don’t really matter, and quiet about the ones that do. Even if Hyejin approached her first, Wheein firmly believes they would’ve ended up in each other's orbits anyway. Hyejin has a natural connection with her that Wheein can feel, on her best days and on her worst days.</p><p> </p><p>One such worst day is the fever she comes down with. In the deadset of winter, Wheein shivers in her home. Her parents had left for the weekend to take care of her uncle as he was just released from the hospital for a bad fall. The house is small but quiet; it’s unsettling. Usually, Wheein can hear the low hum of the heater and the clicking of the keyboard. Her mom will occasionally bang something in the kitchen as she preps food. That’s a comforting silence, still filled with the little background noise of life.</p><p> </p><p>Now though Wheein sniffles into the dead air. The couch is scratchy beneath her face and her tongue feels heavy and dry in her mouth. Cough drop wrappers and tissues are littered on the table in front of her. The television is off and their heater had been fixed last week so it remains quieter than ever.</p><p> </p><p>Being an only child has made her accustomed to the silence but Wheein desperately wishes for a friend right now.</p><p> </p><p>She grabs at her phone, the brightness stings her eyes in the rapidly fading sunlight and Wheein admires her lock screen. It’s a picture of her and Hyejin, posing ridiculously on the grass. Hyejin’s smile is wide and aimed at Wheein and Wheein has her head thrown back in laughter from the face Hyejin had made just before. It’s cute, and Wheein’s chest aches.</p><p> </p><p>She doesn’t want to bother Hyejin though.</p><p> </p><p>Instead, she traces the letters on her skin. Wheein has always been on the sidelines; therefore, her skin typically only bears a few sentences at a time. Her parents tend to put words of love and pride on her skin. Sometimes her teachers end up leaving their admiration. Words like “<em>our daughter is growing up so beautifully</em>” or “<em>I’m so proud of Wheein’s work; she’ll do amazing at university one day</em>” typically curve around her hip bones or shoulders. Nobody really knows what determines the location of the words. Wheein’s just thankful that hers tend to be in places she can hide easily.</p><p> </p><p>However, almost a month ago, new words had carved themselves onto her forearm. Wheein admires them often, as they haven’t dulled since.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>What would I do without Wheein?</em>
</p><p> </p><p>It’s both sad and comforting, to be so valuable and prominent that someone out there has been thinking about life without her. Wheein half worries for their sanity since the words have never changed or disappeared, but another part of her warms at being needed.</p><p> </p><p>When she opens her eyes again, the house is filled with a sizzling sound and probably a nice smell but Wheein’s nose is still clogged. A fresh box of tissues sits on the table, her old and used rags cleaned up. There’s medicine and water as well, which Wheein takes immediately. She pauses only briefly when she sits up, head spinning and stomach clenching.</p><p> </p><p>A wastebasket has been provided at the end of the table. The TV is still off but Wheein can hear a soft melody in the background. Accompanied by it is Hyejin’s voice, high and raspy, and Wheein’s favorite sound.</p><p> </p><p>“Wheenie-“ Hyejin sits down right next to her, heedless of the germs that Wheein is probably carrying.</p><p> </p><p>Unable to resist her best friend, Wheein lets her head be guided to Hyejin’s shoulder. Long fingernails brush the sweat-slicked hair from her face and Wheein whimpers when they press into her temple, rubbing soothingly.</p><p> </p><p>“I would’ve come sooner if you had told me you were sick,” Hyejin’s voice is calming if not a little offended, “Your mom had to call me and tell me you weren’t feeling good.”</p><p> </p><p>“Didn’t want you to get sick,” Wheein mumbles into the skin of her neck. Hyejin smells fresh, as though she had just showered. Her skin is smooth and warm and Wheein shivers even though she feels like she’s on fire.</p><p> </p><p>“You seem very concerned about my health,” Hyejin teases when Wheein makes no effort to actually put a safe distance between them.</p><p> </p><p>Wheein doesn’t dignify this with a response; she buries her face further into Hyejin and slips her arms around the girl’s middle. Hyejin is thicker than most people at school, not only due to baby fat but also just because she enjoys eating. Hyejin ignores the stares when she eats and Wheein admires her for it.</p><p> </p><p>She’d also be kind of pissed if Hyejin didn’t eat what she wanted. Hyejin like this is easy to cuddle and Wheein likes how her arms fit around Hyejin’s middle, secure and full and loving.</p><p> </p><p>Hyejin smiles and rests her cheek on Wheein’s head, continuing to sing with the background music. They stay like that for a while, listening to the fee passing cars and the low notes of the music. Eventually, Hyejin gets up, grabs the food she made and hands Wheein some crackers. They’re small and crunchy and hurt her throat when they slide down, but Hyejin glares at her and tells her she has to eat something small.</p><p> </p><p>And Wheein does feel a bit stronger after eating. The medicine finally begins working and she feels awake enough for a show. Hyejin turns on the last episode of whatever they were watching and leans into the couch. Wheein rests her head in Hyejin’s lap and fights the sleepy smile that threatens to break through as Hyejin plays with her hair.</p><p> </p><p>Sometime during the night, Wheein falls asleep again. When she wakes, Hyejin has moved again. The TV has been turned off and the empty bowl sits on the table but her glass of water was refilled.</p><p> </p><p>Hyejin herself has stretched out on the couch, her shirt riding up where Wheein has pressed her face into Hyejin’s stomach. There are black markings there that Wheein can’t quite make out in the dark so she doesn’t try to.</p><p> </p><p>“Wheein?” Hyejin’s voice is heavy with sleep and she shifts, stretching and Wheein watches her stomach pull taut with the action. It brings a heat to her cheeks and she looks away, understanding twitching in the back of her mind.</p><p> </p><p>“I’m awake.”</p><p> </p><p>“How are you feeling?” Hyejin asks, grabbing at Wheein's shoulders and tugging her up higher. Wheein rests her head against Hyejin’s chest and settles a leg between Hyejins.</p><p> </p><p>“Better,” Wheein promises, “Thank you.”</p><p> </p><p>Hyejin hums in acknowledgment and tucks a finger underneath Wheein’s chin. Wheein looks up and Hyejin leans close to press a kiss to her cheek.</p><p> </p><p>Wheein turns.</p><p> </p><p>Her lips are plump and velvety. She tastes like the chapstick Hyejin loves and Wheein appreciates the fact that she’s feeling well enough to taste Hyejin.</p><p> </p><p>For her part, Hyejin doesn’t startle. She keeps her lips pressed to Wheein’s for a few more seconds before releasing her and laying flat once more.</p><p> </p><p>“You taste like medicine,” Hyejin complains.</p><p> </p><p>Wheein barks out a laugh and rests her head again.</p><p> </p><p>She’s in love with Hyejin. It’s not new, or surprising, or burdensome. The realization settles over Wheein like her favorite blanket, worn and old and comforting.</p><p> </p><p>There’s no rush. No pressure.</p><p> </p><p>They’re forever after all. It’s the one thing Wheein is sure of in this life, the next, and everyone in between.</p><p> </p><p>
  <strong>part x: Hyejin and Yongsun and understanding</strong>
</p><p> </p><p>Hyejin breathes deeply, basically just psyching herself up.</p><p> </p><p>She’s been doing a lot of thinking lately. Byulyi is there most of the time, peppering kisses to her neck or lips. Hyejin delights in the attention and affection, often wrapping her arms around Byulyi to prevent her from leaving, whining until she gets one more kiss. Byulyi likes to indulge her after rolling her eyes and smiling down at her teasingly.</p><p> </p><p>It’s nice, more than nice really, but it also begs the question of what Hyejin is. They don’t talk about these things in Korea, not about people being gay or girls kissing girls or being born in the wrong bodies. Sometimes Hyejin wonders if Byulyi feels like that, feels wrong in her own skin.</p><p> </p><p>Then she wonders if she would still like Byulyi if she did decide she wanted to change like that.</p><p> </p><p>Hyejin likes the press of Byulyi’s lips and her easy charisma and the way she laughs with her nose all scrunched and unlady-like. Hyejin doesn’t think any of these things would change if Byulyi decided to change.</p><p> </p><p>It still makes her anxious though; Hyejin can’t contain her squirming when Byulyi presses a kiss to her cheek a little too close to her mouth. Public kissing between their group is far from uncommon but Hyejin can feel Yongsun’s gaze on her, on them. It’s exhilarating as much as it is terrifying and Hyejin can’t help but wonder constantly if she’s jealous of Byulyi or Hyejin.</p><p> </p><p>That small part of her, the insecure part, tells her it’s Hyejin. She doesn’t doubt Yongsun’s affections for her, but she also can’t believe that she would even hold a candle to Byulyi. Probably far more experienced and better than anything Hyejin could ever be.</p><p> </p><p>These thoughts make her kick herself though. She isn’t insecure, at least not in these ways. Hyejin has been through so much and it has made her stronger. She retains her sensitivity, but typically only when friends are involved. Strangers on the internet have ceased making much of a difference to her.</p><p> </p><p>Maybe that’s why Hyejin finds herself shying away from Yongsun’s gaze and Byulyi’s hands, her gut twisting uncomfortably. Byulyi notices this, begins to back off in public. Hyejin leans against Wheein more often, as if trying to show Yongsun that she is no longer infringing on her territory.</p><p> </p><p>That thought also makes Hyejin frown. It’s stupid and the sort of move an immature teenage girl makes when she feels like her boyfriend is about to dump her.</p><p> </p><p>Hyejin’s silence seems to disturb Wheein because she pokes at Hyejin’s cheek, feeding her a bite of food. Hyejin chews slowly, still zoning out. At the edge of her consciousness, she is mindful of Byulyi and Yongsun coming in together. They’re probably loud (they always are) but Hyejin feels like she is underwater. Everything is muffled and hazy and Hyejin is adrift in her thoughts.</p><p> </p><p>Wheein feeds her another bite of food and now things begin to clear. Byulyi is whispering sharply at Yongsun and gesturing wildly. Yongsun herself seems contemplative but still angry. There’s a full pout to her lips and a furrow on her brow and Hyejin desperately wants to kiss it away.</p><p> </p><p>Hyejin watches as they seem to reach an understanding. Byulyi nods at Wheein who stands abruptly, fleeing from the room and grabbing the leftover staff on the way out. The door bangs shut loudly and Hyejin winces both at the loud noise and the sudden silence.</p><p> </p><p>The air is thick with tension and Yongsun takes deep breaths. Hyejin decides to take her chances with the wrath.</p><p> </p><p>“Are you okay unnie?”</p><p> </p><p>Yongsun’s eyes bore into hers. She looks massively upset and Hyejin braces herself for the scolding.</p><p> </p><p>It must show in her body because Yongsun’s shoulders drop and her eyes soften. She comes to kneel in front of Hyejin’s sitting position, rolling up her sleeves and scrubbing at the makeup covering her bicep.</p><p> </p><p>Hyejin gasps when the words are revealed.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>Is Yongsun mad at me for taking Byulyi from her?</em>
</p><p> </p><p>The words couldn’t have come from anyone else, unless Wheein and Byulyi were up to something Hyejin didn’t know about (they were, but it wasn’t like Yonsun to be mad at Wheein anyway). Hyejin lowers her face in shame but Yongsun tilts her head and forces her to meet her gaze.</p><p> </p><p>“I told you I loved you,” Yongsun says softly, her tone hurt and betrayed, “Do you really think that what you have with Byulyi will change that?”</p><p> </p><p>Hyejin really can’t hold back the tears. It’s been stressful already, trying to determine what she is. Hyejin is fatigued from her schedule and exhausted by her inability to sleep. Her diet ended a day ago but her body still cries for food, and she just needs-</p><p> </p><p>Yongsun curls forward, crashing into Hyejin when she begins to weep. The vulnerability doesn’t really phase her but Hyejin berates herself for being so out of control today, really this whole month. She knows who she is, what she wants, and what she can do. She isn’t insecure, she isn’t.</p><p> </p><p>“Oh sweetie,” Yongsun presses kisses to her head, letting Hyejin shake against her shoulder.</p><p> </p><p>Tears drop onto Yongsun’s top but she doesn’t complain, just lets Hyejin wear herself out. It takes a couple of minutes, but Hyejin needed a good cry. When it’s over, Yongsun presses another kiss to her head, smiling softly when Hyejin hums in response.</p><p> </p><p>“Thank you,” Hyejin says, nuzzling her nose against Yongsun’s.</p><p> </p><p>Yongsun giggles and presses a kiss to the tip of her nose. Warmth blooms in Hyejin’s stomach and she seeks out her lips now, sighing into Yongsun’s mouth when the taste of her hits Hyejin’s tongue. Yongsun kisses her back enthusiastically, knocking Hyejin back and straddling her thighs. She cups the back of Hyejin’s neck, opening her mouth a little as her tongue darts forward.</p><p> </p><p>Her other hand slips under Hyejin’s top, stroking the fullness of her tummy. Hyejin whimpers, her hands grabbing at Yongsun’s waist hard enough to leave bruises.</p><p> </p><p>When they break apart, Yongsun’s grin settles upon her like a blessing. Hyejin can feel the way her heart swells with love, eased and content in the way she had been looking for. Her eyelids feel droopy and Hyejin doesn’t fight the small smile at her lips or the way her eyes settle south of making eye contact with Yongsun.</p><p> </p><p>She steals one more kiss, and then another because she can. Yongsun makes a soft purring sound in the back of her throat, lower than Hyejin is used to. The noise makes Hyejin giggle and she kisses her cheek once before finally leaning back to really look at Yongsun.</p><p> </p><p>“How are you?” Yongsun asks, her eyes questioning and hopeful.</p><p> </p><p>“I’m okay now,” Hyejin promises.</p><p> </p><p>And with Yongsun’s full smile, Hyejin feels herself fall freely.</p><p> </p><p>
  <strong>part xi: Hyejin and Byulyi and learning</strong>
</p><p> </p><p>Hyejin thinks things would have been easier if there were fireworks. At least then she’d really know what was going on.</p><p> </p><p>Instead, it happens gradually. If she had to pinpoint the start, it would be when Byulyi came to her, looking so small and unsure and stuttering out a question about rapping.</p><p> </p><p>Byulyi was lost, broken and Hyejin knew, even when she was young and naive, that Byulyi needed support only she could provide. Hyejin was loud with her encouragement, praising Byulyi the way she liked to be praised. At first, Byulyi’s tone was too soft, too timid, but Hyejin insisted that each one was better than the last.</p><p> </p><p>And with the late-night sessions and late mornings spent in each other’s company, Byulyi broke out of her shell. Her rap became smoother, like a song that was being played at twice the speed. Hyejin enjoyed listening to her voice, young and emotional and so very different from her own style.</p><p> </p><p>It probably started there. With Byulyi’s voice and Hyejin’s words and the simplicity of connecting with another group member.</p><p> </p><p>Hyejin can recall the lean plans of Byulyi’s body, always hidden by her sweaters and slightly looser jeans. Her eyes lingered on the narrow bones of her hips and avoided the fullness of Byulyi’s cheeks. Maybe she shouldn’t have looked so long, so closely.</p><p> </p><p>It could have easily started on stage, and Wheein pulling Byulyi close. Hyejin wasn’t blind, new that Wheein was attractive and Byulyi had that classic girl crush charm that attracted everyone in a two-mile radius. However, Hyejin herself was too energetic in all the wrong ways. She went overboard all the time, and she could feel the clear divide between her and the rest of the members. There was no easy chemistry between her and Byulyi or her and Yongsun. All she had was Wheein.</p><p> </p><p>At that time, Hyejin wasn’t even sure of that.</p><p> </p><p>The easiest person to blame was Byulyi, for being too pretty, too soft, too perfect in her own skin. There were few comments about the way Byulyi dressed in the beginning, back when she still wore dresses and jewelry and looked the part. Her scrunchy nose and rounded cheeks were the only things out of place. Hyejin used to envy her. (on bad days she still does. but those are fewer and further between each year)</p><p> </p><p>With time came more confidence in herself. Hyejin learned to be what she needed, not anybody else. Leaning on her group members was something she had grown accustomed to. Even if she preferred doing things her own way, they were a constant in her life that she wouldn’t trade for the world.</p><p> </p><p>That’s when it really started.</p><p> </p><p>Developing her own style caused her to realize that she was more seductive. Hyejin became more comfortable in the swing of her hips, showing off the width of her thighs. And it was noticeable too.</p><p> </p><p>The first time it happened, she wrote it off as just admiration of her dancing. Twirling around on stage, pulling back her hair with one hand and microphone in the other. There’s always so much going on when they perform that Hyejin almost missed it.</p><p> </p><p>But Byulyi was there, in the corner of her eyesight. She had almost stopped dancing, focusing instead on Hyejin. Her microphone was at her side and Byulyi’s eyes were wide in either surprise or something else- Hyejin couldn’t tell. Byulyi was moving back into formation on the next beat and Hyejin promptly pushed it out of her mind.</p><p> </p><p>But it wasn’t a one-time thing.</p><p> </p><p>Soon it became a game, just teasing Byulyi on stage. It was so easy too, for someone who seemed to have so much confidence.</p><p> </p><p>Recently though, it felt like more.</p><p> </p><p>Hyejin didn’t pay that much mind to it though. The lingering touches to Byulyi’s back and arms or the eye contact that seemed just a tad bit longer than necessary on stage. She wasn’t thinking about Byulyi’s now brown hair or the way she looked in a suit.</p><p> </p><p>Nothing like that at all.</p><p> </p><p>At least not until Byulyi kissed her in the hallway.</p><p> </p><p>Her first thought was that Byulyi was definitely a better kisser than a man. Her second thought was that this was, indeed, a woman.</p><p> </p><p>Strangely, it didn’t bring any panic to Hyejin.</p><p> </p><p>On the contrary, Hyejin felt almost relaxed. Byulyi tasted like the drink she had brought in to work today, something kind of sweet and sticky that left a pleasant flavor on her lips. Byulyi’s body was different from a man's. For one she was shorter than Hyejin was used to, and there was no unpleasant reach in her neck.</p><p> </p><p>Her lips were also so- present.</p><p> </p><p>It felt more like Byulyi was there with Hyejin, feeling almost as calm as the shorter girl. Probably something Byulyi had done before actually. It wouldn’t surprise Hyejin if Byulyi went around kissing girls.</p><p> </p><p>When Hyejin pulls back, she does so reluctantly. It feels as if her whole world has shifted. Maybe just a centimeter difference, but a difference all the same.</p><p> </p><p>“We probably shouldn’t do that again,”</p><p> </p><p>Byulyi breathes in sharply when Hyejin speaks, her eyes wide and afraid.</p><p> </p><p>“Since when have you ever done what people expected?”</p><p> </p><p>It’s not like her unnie, to want to break rules so bad. Rules put in place for their protection (even if Hyejin really doesn’t care about the rules).</p><p> </p><p>A larger part of her is wondering why Byulyi would break them for her.</p><p> </p><p>“Okay, unnie,”</p><p> </p><p>And that should be the last of it.</p><p> </p><p>But it’s not.</p><p> </p><p>Instead, it opens so many doors. At first, it’s the little actions. Like Byulyi brushing her hand on the small of Hyejin’s back whenever she’s moving past her. Like Hyejin leaning in teasingly and Byulyi leaning in right back. She’s challenging Hyejin more and there are multiple instances on stage where Hyejin is the one to walk away flustered.</p><p> </p><p>She hates it.</p><p> </p><p>(she loves it)</p><p> </p><p>There’s a thrill to Byulyi’s careless side. Something that has them pressing into each other in the corners of the back room, kissing like teenagers having a secret affair. That’s basically what it is.</p><p> </p><p>But it’s also so much more.</p><p> </p><p>And Hyejin finally realizes why only four months after that day in the hallway.</p><p> </p><p>It’s Byulyi plopping down on the couch beside her, handing Hyejin her favorite snack because she was at the store and thought of the younger woman. It’s Byulyi calling her late at night, reminding her to go to bed but then keeping her up an extra hour because she wanted to hear Hyejin’s voice.</p><p> </p><p>It’s a stolen kiss in the rain (as cliche as it is) that makes Hyejin breathless with the realization.</p><p> </p><p>Two realizations.</p><p> </p><p>She likes girls.</p><p> </p><p>And she loves Byulyi.</p><p> </p><p>
  <strong>part xii: Hyejin and Wheein and accepting</strong>
</p><p> </p><p>Hyejin doesn’t know if she is gay or bi or pan or whatever.</p><p> </p><p>But she knows she loves Byulyi. Loves her charming smile and cheesy lines and the lighthearted feeling of a first love.</p><p> </p><p>She loves Yongsun. Loves her comforting words and endless patience and the feeling of a hard-earned love.</p><p> </p><p>At the moment, Hyejin can’t think of anything else she needs in her life, anyone else either. Her heart feels eased by the work she does and the people she has surrounded herself with. It’s a feeling that Hyejin basks in when Yongsun sneaks a kiss between bites of food and when Byulyi drops by late at night to catch up with the cameras off.</p><p> </p><p>It’s everything Hyejin never dreamed of, never thought possible.</p><p> </p><p>Today, she drives to one of the skyscrapers on the edge of the city. Wheein sits beside her, legs folded in the seat and head leaning against the car window. Her hair is short once again, cut so that it brushes the line of her jaw. She’s dyed it once again, and briefly Hyejin thanks her stylists for believing her best look is the black hair. She’d hate to have to continuously dye it.</p><p> </p><p>They make the trek up to the rooftop. It’s a hidden gem they found earlier in their trainee days, when they both needed an escape. Hyejin remembers exploring the buildings in broad daylight, slightly stunned that no one really cares about the comings and goings of people as long as you steered clear of certain floors or certain offices.</p><p> </p><p>Wheein sets the picnic basket in the middle of the roof. The ledge is low enough that from the platform situated at the epicenter of the building Hyejin can see all of Seoul. The sun is still quite high but Hyejin knows it will be setting within a few hours. Afterward, they’ll head back down to their practice room and run over the choreography for an uncertain amount of hours.</p><p> </p><p>But now though? Now is reserved for just them.</p><p> </p><p>Wheein sits down and plucks a piece of fruit into her mouth. Her eyes glance down at the spread and her hair falls with it, weightless and unable to resist the pull of gravity. Hyejin sits beside Wheein, facing her and pushing Wheein’s hair back. It doesn’t work and the hair falls once more.</p><p> </p><p>“Ah, quit it,” Wheein says when Hyejin attempts this for the third time.</p><p> </p><p>Hyejin laughs softly, admiring the slope of Wheein’s nose from her angle and the fullness of her cheeks. Wheein had lost weight recently from her diet and Hyejin frowns and pokes at her cheek, quietly disappointed that it seems so slender now. She worries about the dieting for all the members, even if it may be hypocritical. It’s not quite healthy, but they’re all nothing if not dedicated.</p><p> </p><p>(Hyejin wishes it wasn’t like this. They’re all beautiful, regardless of their size. But there’s a voice in all of their heads- sounding suspiciously like themselves- that says their fans deserve better, deserve them at their most beautiful, most powerful)</p><p> </p><p>“What’s got you in a mood?” Wheein asks, picking up on the downturn of Hyejin’s lips.</p><p> </p><p>The younger girl just shrugs and leans forward, wrapping her arms around Wheein’s shoulders.</p><p> </p><p>Wheein leans back with an overdramatic whine and eye roll.</p><p> </p><p>Hyejin just chuckles. She lowers her voice, deliberately smoky, “There’s no one around Wheeinie, you don’t have to pretend you hate it.”</p><p> </p><p>“Ah, you’re so cringy,” Wheein cries out. But she settles against Hyejin, feeding her a bite of fruit.</p><p> </p><p>It’s sweet on her tongue and Hyejin licks her lips, inadvertently brushing her tongue against Wheein’s shoulder. The other girl shivers and the wind picks up.</p><p> </p><p>“I told you to bring a jacket,” Hyejin tsks, holding Wheein more firmly against her.</p><p> </p><p>“You’re always cold,” Wheein protests, her hands playing with the fabric of her pants. “I didn’t think it was supposed to be windy today.”</p><p> </p><p>Hyejin just shrugs again. They sit in silence for a while, taking in the sun and the way the light bounces off the high buildings and gleaming windows. Hyejin can feel herself become drowsy; it’s an effort to hold her eyes open and her posture becomes worse as she slouches more fully against Wheein.</p><p> </p><p>Predictably, Wheein puts up a fight anyway. She scoffs loudly, making a show of readjusting so that Hyejin’s body weight isn’t hurting her arm from where it is tucked at her side.</p><p> </p><p>“What would I do without you Wheein?” Hyejin asks abruptly.</p><p> </p><p>“Find another human pillow.”</p><p> </p><p>Hyejin snorts, clutching at Wheein tighter. “I’m serious Wheein-ah,” Hyejin scolds without much bite. “You’re my best friend.”</p><p> </p><p>And pressed to Wheein as she is, Hyejin can feel the sudden stiffness in her body. It takes her by surprise and Hyejin almost flinches herself, wondering where she went wrong. She pulls back to look at Wheein, whose gaze is steady on her.</p><p> </p><p>There’s no indication that Wheein is angry, at least not that Hyejin can see. Her brow is relaxed and her mouth lacks the typical thin edge that accompanies her wrath. However, she definitely isn’t happy. Hyejin notes the way her fingers twist and how her legs don’t sit as freely as they had been.</p><p> </p><p>“Do you ever think-“ Wheein begins.</p><p> </p><p>Nothing follows her statement though and Hyejin waits a few minutes before prompting,</p><p> </p><p>“Think what?”</p><p> </p><p>“Do you think we could’ve been more?”</p><p> </p><p>Hyejin considers this seriously. She knows what drew her to Wheein all those years ago. Besides the typical cute face and calm aura, Wheein is her soulmate. It’s that simple. Wheein’s eyes are full of genuine understanding and consideration and Hyejin always feels seen when Wheein is looking at her.</p><p> </p><p>Even if she doesn’t want to be seen.</p><p> </p><p>“You’re my soulmate,” Hyejin says, “In every form that takes. I think… to call you less than that is… it undermines your meaning to me.”</p><p> </p><p>These words, though they ease the fidgeting of Wheein’s fingers, do not abate the tension in her legs. Hyejin considers this- considers Wheein- when she doesn’t say anything. Neither of them are particularly great with words. Hyejin has always been sentimental and clever, but she has a tendency to cry instead of express her feelings.</p><p> </p><p>Sometimes the emotion is too much. It feels like a sin, to describe the intensity of her feelings with just a flimsy word.</p><p> </p><p>“Can I kiss you?” Hyejin asks.</p><p> </p><p>Wheein blinks, looking surprised by this turn of events. Hyejin knows Wheein though, knows that she enjoys the affection as much as she pretends not to.</p><p> </p><p>After a moment’s hesitation, Wheein leans her cheek toward Hyejin. Her skin is pale compared to Hyejin but no less beautiful. For a second, Hyejin contemplates her cheek, which makes Wheein fidget again in anticipation.</p><p> </p><p>Hyejin brings her hand up, cups the other side of Wheein’s face, and brings them together so that they are nose to nose. Something in Hyejin’s chest flutters at this proximity. She does this often with all of her members, enjoys being in their space like this, intimately. Wheein finally relaxes and Hyejin presses forward.</p><p> </p><p>The first kiss lands on the corner of Wheein’s mouth, barely there. Wheein’s lips quirk up and Hyejin kisses her fully then, intent on tasting the happiness radiating off of Wheein.</p><p> </p><p>It's fruity and Wheein and everything Hyejin didn’t know she needed. There was no gaping absence without Wheein like this. But sitting here, Wheein sighing into her mouth, Hyejin feels whole. She feels complete.</p><p> </p><p>When they break apart, Wheein grins at her. “Have you finally caught up?”</p><p> </p><p>Hyejin rolls her eyes and hits Wheein’s arm. “I’ve always loved you,” she declares, “You just never told me you’d be down to kiss.”</p><p> </p><p>Wheein rolls her eyes, “I’m always happy for your kisses.”</p><p> </p><p>And Hyejin- like a little kid- actually lets out a small squeal and kisses Wheein again, who moans happily into Hyejin’s mouth.</p><p> </p><p>It may be Hyejin’s new favorite sound.</p><p> </p><p>Later, when Hyejin is getting ready for bed. She peels off her clothes and glances at the mirror. Her torso still bears ugly words, but she doesn’t sweat it. To hate someone so much that your constant negative thoughts appear on their body seems laughable to Hyejin.</p><p> </p><p>What attracts her attention though is the words right above her heart. She’s had them for a while now, and they’re the only words she has outlined in color. Hyejin isn’t sure why exactly they’re in color, and truth be told she doesn’t care enough to consider it.</p><p> </p><p>Bolded in red, blue, and finally white are the words,</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>I am in love with her.</em>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Thank you for reading! I hope you enjoyed this fic. If you want to, I've opened up a ko-fi account. I'm accepting commissions there if you want me to write something specific or if you want to buy me a coffee. Either way, I'll continue writing and I thank you for your support! Whether that's reading, leaving a kudos, leaving a comment, or leaving a tip.</p><p>https://ko-fi.com/unassumingwriting</p><p>So in my head, this is how it goes:</p><p>Wheein -&gt; Hyejin<br/>Byulyi -&gt; Yongsun<br/>Byulyi -&gt; Wheein<br/>Yongsun -&gt; Byulyi<br/>Byulyi -&gt; Hyejin<br/>Hyejin -&gt; Byulyi<br/>Yongsun -&gt; Wheein<br/>Yongsun -&gt; Hyejin<br/>Wheein -&gt; Byulyi<br/>Hyejin -&gt; Yongsun<br/>Wheein -&gt; Yongsun<br/>Hyejin -&gt; Wheein</p><p>I do have a longer note about the dynamics and all that. If you're interested in it I can post it in the comments but it's like 1200 words itself so I figured it was too long as an end note anyway.</p><p>**Edit: I have posted the dynamics in response to another comment down below</p></blockquote></div></div>
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